Kicking Up Your Heels

Sometimes I’m such a girl. This is especially true when it comes to shoes. My husband thinks it’s a sickness, he who has only two pairs of shoes, BOTH EXACTLY THE SAME, only one pair is for mowing the lawn and the other is for everyday wear. Go ahead, shake your head in dismay. I do so on a daily basis.

I, however, have many pairs of shoes. Many, many, many pairs. I’ve worn the same size since the seventh grade, so I’ve managed to form quite a collection. (And no, I will not get rid of some of these before I buy some more, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, and ha ha another Imelda Marcos joke, you are so very droll.)

I’ve heard that women like to buy shoes because no one ever felt fat trying on a nice new sandal. I can believe it.

I really only wear four or five pairs of my shoes on a regular basis, actually. My tendency is to buy shoes that are beautiful and sleek and high heeled and completely impractical. If wearing the shoe for more than ten minutes results in excruciating pain, well, I’m sold. I actually enjoy shoe torture. It’s that masochistic streak in me, I’m sure. Plus, there’s the near orgasm I have when I take them off – always the best part.

And I’m not even going to tie this into foot fetishism, because I think this is a completely different animal. High heeled shoes aren’t about the feet, it’s about the lengthening of a woman’s (or man’s, I suppose, whatever floats your boat) legs. They force the wearer to arch the back and thrust the ass backwards and the chest forward. It’s about creating a whole new posture that is undeniably sensual. And also, possibly, not entirely healthy.

It’s true that heels are terrible for your knees and spinal alignment. They shorten the calf muscles and can cause hammertoes and a bony enlargement on the heel called Haglund’s deformity. Wearing heels also makes one susceptible to ankle injuries and Achilles tendon pain. Wow! It all just sounds like so much fun.

But did you also know that moderately high heels can boost your sex life? Apart from looking really hot, apparently, they can strengthen a woman’s pelvic floor. (Sorry, guys, this is not so much a benefit for men. But hey, you can still enjoy the bunions!) They can reduce the need for Kegel exercises, which, I gotta tell you, are not so much fun, and can increase a woman’s sexual gratification.

Damn it. Now I’m getting the itch that only a pair of four inch red swede stilettos is going to scratch. Excuse while I go make some room in the closet.