Motherfucker

So the other night I was hanging out with some male friends of mine. One friend, we’ll call him Mordechai, handed around some unevenly poured drinks and another friend, we’ll call him Thaddeus, balked at how I had received more than him.

“I got the boob bonus,” I answered. This is an advantage well-known to all women that has cheated the judicial system out of the price of quite a few traffic tickets. It’s part of what makes being a woman amongst heterosexual men great.

“I hate to break it to you,” said Thaddeus, “but once you’ve gotten married and popped out a kid, you don’t get the boob bonus anymore.”

Mordechai pipes in, “I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but it’s true.”

Lightning! Thunder! Earthquakes! I was incensed. “My breasts are GLORIOUS and you should feel fortunate just to be in their presence!” I shouted. Or maybe not. Maybe I just fell into a black hole of depression for a few days. Who among us wants to be told that we’re no longer desirable?

Which is why I get down on my knees every day and thank American Pie writer Adam Herz for popularizing the concept of the MILF. Even though I spend half my days running ragged with peanut butter smeared in my hair and concerned with someone else’s toileting habits, at least I know that there are people out there that still consider me fuckable.

I mean, fuck Katharine Ross. I wanted to do Anne Bancroft.

A MILF is really any attractive woman over thirty. I’ve seen Freud invoked in discussions of this topic, but I’m not really interested in the Oedipal connotations of MILF appreciation by young men. If you think about it, it’s really a natural pairing: men reach their sexual peaks at eighteen and women at thirty-two. I’m guessing both men and women would acknowledge the benefit of having someone who could keep up with them in bed.

And when I scoff at the twenty-year-old barista at my coffee shop revealing that she plans to marry her fifty-year-old boyfriend, and secretly think chick has Daddy issues, it has to be because the MILF-boy relationship makes more sense, right? And it isn’t a symptom of my feminine bias. Right?

Of course, that being said, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore still give me a bad case of the ews.