February 2010

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Motherfucker

February 26, 2010 in Uncategorized by Ckazaal | 1 comment

So the other night I was hanging out with some male friends of mine. One friend, we’ll call him Mordechai, handed around some unevenly poured drinks and another friend, we’ll call him Thaddeus, balked at how I had received more than him.

“I got the boob bonus,” I answered. This is an advantage well-known to all women that has cheated the judicial system out of the price of quite a few traffic tickets. It’s part of what makes being a woman amongst heterosexual men great.

“I hate to break it to you,” said Thaddeus, “but once you’ve gotten married and popped out a kid, you don’t get the boob bonus anymore.”

Mordechai pipes in, “I didn’t want to be the one to say it, but it’s true.”

Lightning! Thunder! Earthquakes! I was incensed. “My breasts are GLORIOUS and you should feel fortunate just to be in their presence!” I shouted. Or maybe not. Maybe I just fell into a black hole of depression for a few days. Who among us wants to be told that we’re no longer desirable?

Which is why I get down on my knees every day and thank American Pie writer Adam Herz for popularizing the concept of the MILF. Even though I spend half my days running ragged with peanut butter smeared in my hair and concerned with someone else’s toileting habits, at least I know that there are people out there that still consider me fuckable.

I mean, fuck Katharine Ross. I wanted to do Anne Bancroft.

A MILF is really any attractive woman over thirty. I’ve seen Freud invoked in discussions of this topic, but I’m not really interested in the Oedipal connotations of MILF appreciation by young men. If you think about it, it’s really a natural pairing: men reach their sexual peaks at eighteen and women at thirty-two. I’m guessing both men and women would acknowledge the benefit of having someone who could keep up with them in bed.

And when I scoff at the twenty-year-old barista at my coffee shop revealing that she plans to marry her fifty-year-old boyfriend, and secretly think chick has Daddy issues, it has to be because the MILF-boy relationship makes more sense, right? And it isn’t a symptom of my feminine bias. Right?

Of course, that being said, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore still give me a bad case of the ews.

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Raw

February 19, 2010 in Uncategorized by Ckazaal | 1 comment

A reader recently asked me to blog about condom use. I’m of two minds on the subject. Out here in the real world, where we’re faced with the constant bombardment of little plaguey diseases with googly eyes (I always picture STD viruses with googly eyes. I’m not sure why. Likely some informative video shown to me in phys ed in middle school fixed the image in my mind – THANKS COACH BETTY!…  but anyway) – out here in the real world, I’m all about safe sex.

And you should be, too. Look at me getting all stern at you, cracking the whip.
You see, your sex partner is a nasty, smutty bastard and they should thank you for just consenting to be naked in the same room with them, much less for allowing them to touch your fun bits.

Using protection should be a no-brainer, especially with all the technological innovation out there. The condom companies are working hard FOR YOU! There is absolutely no reason to expose yourself to all the foul sexually transmitted diseases out there, like HIV, hepatitis, and pregnancy.

Okay, enough of this proselytism. I was of two minds, remember? Out here in the real world, and inside my computer in fantasy pornland, where they give away free alcohol, chocolate doesn’t have any calories, and DISEASES DON’T EXIST. At least that’s how it is in my head.

Yeah, I dig the bareback sex in my porn. Condoms are great and should probably be viewed as an essential piece of twenty-first century foreplay, but who really wants to see that shit when you’re jerking off?

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Wild

February 12, 2010 in Uncategorized by Ckazaal | No comments

In my novels I have invented a species of mutant humans called lamiae who are covered in fur and scales. Me being who I am and my books being what they are, of course I’ve included a few scenes where my main character has gotten a little freaky with these freaks. So far I’ve managed to gloss over the peculiarities of their appearance when describing the sex, but I’m coming up on a scene where it might not be possible or desirable to do so. And I’m at a loss. As much I love these characters, I’m honestly not turned on by my own creations. They are almost too bestial.

Which got me to thinking about furries. Now, I understand that the majority of furry fandom is not focused on having sex in animal costumes. They run the gamut from just enjoying anthropomorphic animal artwork to feeling a spiritual connection to a specific animal (which is called – try to keep a straight face, now – a fursona). But I’m not interested in them. Oh no. I want to know about those people who have a sexual fetish for it.

I’ve dug into the Internet, trying to understand what makes these people tick. At first it seemed to me to be just one step away from bestiality and Ckazaal, she don’t go there. I’m all about consent, and I’m sorry, but your dog is not consenting to sex when it licks peanut butter off your hoo-ha.

But the more I look at furries, the more I think it’s about the humanity of the beasts in question. To seek out that which we have in common with something that is alien to us seems almost noble. Just because a being has inhuman attributes, that does not make them an animal.

Right? That kinda makes sense, doesn’t it?

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Both Ways

February 5, 2010 in Uncategorized by Ckazaal | No comments

So my husband says to me “The problem with your blog is that it’s a bisexual blog.”
“Maybe the problem is with YOUR FACE, did you ever think of that?” I cleverly respond.
He tries to make the point that a dedicated readership expects certain things.  A smaller percentage of the population will go looking for naked chicks AND dudes.
So I’ve decided it’s time to reveal to you my nefarious plan.  Yes, ladies and gents, I am a part of the BISEXUAL AGENDA.  And I’m here to tell ya, bisexuality is the best sexuality there is.  Totally ever.  We get the best of both worlds, right?
Except…
…we get a lot of shit, too.  Too gay for the breeders, too easily able to pass as straight for the queers.  And everyone thinks we’re automatically more likely to cheat when we get a craving for the  private bits that are waiting at home.  Or that we’re riddled with disease.  Because obviously when you’re willing to have sex with anyone, you’re willing to have sex with anyone.  And that’s when people are even willing to admit bisexuality exists.
I’ve never seen any reason to divide my chances for love and sex in half.  Honestly, it’s my not-so-secret philosophy that everyone is bisexual.  It’s just a matter of percentages.  We fall in love with the person, not the body, right?  All I really want to do is fuck the world.  What’s so wrong with that?

So my husband says to me, “The problem with your blog is that it’s a bisexual blog.”

“Maybe the problem is with YOUR FACE, did you ever think of that?” I cleverly respond. Ckazaal: National Debate Champion 2010.

He tries to make the point that a dedicated readership expects certain things. A smaller percentage of the population will go looking for naked chicks AND dudes.

But I’m going to keep giving them to you, anyway.

I’ve decided it’s time to reveal to you my nefarious plan.  Yes, ladies and gents, I am a part of the BISEXUAL AGENDA.  And I’m here to tell ya, bisexuality is the best sexuality there is.  Totally ever.  We get the best of both worlds, right?

Except…

…we get a lot of shit, too.  Too gay for the breeders, too easily able to pass as straight for the queers.  And everyone thinks we’re automatically more likely to cheat when we get a craving for the  private bits that aren’t waiting at home. Or that we’re riddled with disease.  Because obviously when you’re willing to have sex with anyone, you’re willing to have sex with anyone.  And that’s when people are even willing to admit bisexuality exists.

I’ve never seen any reason to divide my chances for love and sex in half. Honestly, it’s my not-so-secret philosophy that everyone is bisexual.  It’s just a matter of percentages.  We fall in love with the person, not the body, right? All I really want to do is fuck the world.  What’s so wrong with that?

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